So you’ve probably heard, whether you wanted to or not, that Kim and Kanye named their new baby girl . . . North. I’m really hoping this is a joke because first off, North is not a cute name for a girl or anyone. And second, really? North West? What’s her middle name? I shudder to think.

Of course, “celebrities” have been naming their offspring “unique” names for years. Like Sage Moonblood Stallone (Um, blood and moon, think about it . . .) or Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa (I wonder how this combo coagulated in rock star daddy’s brain . . .) Nicolas Cage named his son Kal-El (That’s Clark Kent’s nom de plume and a lot of pressure for a little kid.) Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspekor (If you’re going for weird at least spell it right.) I guess if you’re famous you can sack your kid (or Kyd) with a weird name with no consequences except giving the late night talk show hosts joke fodder for a few days.

We live in a democracy and as such, naming our bundles creatively is not a right limited to only the rich and famous. I have personally come across many unusual and head scratching names in my ordinary life. Here are a few:

1. Earth and Eden― I guess it could have been Heaven and Hell . . .
2. Jethro― Not a terrible name but reminded me of the guy from The Beverly Hillbillies . . . man, does that date me or what!
3. Thuy and Thuy ― They were twins from Vietnam and one was pronounced Twee and the other Toowee. I guess it’s hard to come up with two different names. . .
4. Forest and Rowan ― Brother and sister. In case you didn’t know, rowan is a tree. . .
5. Stormy ― You’re just asking for trouble . . .
6. Regina ―Sorry, I’m just not mature enough to say this name without giggling. . .
7. H ― Yep, H, as in the letter that comes after G. This defies any kind of logic and I can’t for the life of me figure out what was going through his parents’ heads. I mean Apple is a weird name but at least it’s a word. And if you must name your kid a letter, pick a cool one like Z or T or even J, which could pass for a real word (Jay) in a pinch.

I am named for the first month of summer so I really shouldn’t point fingers. I suffered some taunts growing up as plenty of words rhyme with June ―moon, spoon, loon, goon, tune, baboon― but I managed to turn out fairly well-adjusted. There are still those hilarious folks who when hearing my name say “No it’s not, it’s November (or whatever month it happens to be)” as if I’d never heard that before.

For better or worse, we are all stuck with the names our parents give us― if it’s really horrid you can, for a few bucks, go down to the courthouse and change it― and mostly we turn out okay. But parents, before you stick your brand, new, bouncing baby with a really bizarre name, just remember, someday Yoga and Espn will be picking out your nursing home . . .


One thought on “THE NAME GAME . . .

  1. How did I know you’d bring H into this. And when has anyone ever made some ‘what month is it’ joke? That’s new to me.

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