So George Clooney and . . . what’s her name. . . Oh yeah, Stacy Keibler, broke up. I guess she reached her two-year shelf-life. I just can’t believe it! I really thought those two had a shot! Never mind he’s repeatedly stated in public and quite emphatically that he has no intention whatsoever of getting married and/or procreating. But as all us gals know with absolute and unquestioning certainty, he doesn’t really know what he wants and the right woman will make him change his mind. And of course, that right woman is (insert your name here). I would put my own name there except I’ve been happily married for ― well, most of them― thirty-two years but if I wasn’t, then I for sure would be The One for George!
Here’s why: I’m old (so we could reminisce about drive-in theaters and pre-YouTube life), average looking (so everyone will know he isn’t shallow), tired, listless, smart (as in, like, I have a college degree), sedentary, and lazy. I should also add predicable and unadventurous. Not like those young, beautiful, sexy, energetic, enthusiastic, smart (well, how smart can they be really?), active, vivacious, spirited, bubbly, dazzling― did I mention young― girls he’s so fond of. I don’t see why as eventually they all want to do the whole marriage/kids thing and mature persons such as myself are so over the whole mushy, lovey dovey, having kids thing, have firsthand experience with the horrors of what it’s really like to live a guy, and are still willing to take you on.
‘Cause let’s face it, you dudes are a pain in the . . . many, many parts. Don’t get me wrong, we love you because you can be so cute and adorable and sweet a couple of times a year and after many, many long years of living with you day in and day out, we’ve learned to appreciate, or at least put up with, your “quirks” and keep you around anyway. But these young girlies still buy into the fairy tales put forth by romance writers and Lifetime movies. You don’t need that, George. These girls don’t know what a dial phone is or 70¢ a gallon gas. What the heck do you talk about? Okay, probably not high on your list but still.
Plus it has got to be exhausting always breaking in a new girlfriend. It’s a total pain for the rest of us trying to keep up with your revolving door so I think it would be best for everyone if you threw in the towel and just settled. I know I would feel better knowing you finally succumbed and discovered what a life with a significant other is all about. You know, messy, complicated, maddening, wonderful, scary, joyful, exasperating, boring, exciting, frustrating, crazy, funny, and so totally worth all the blood, sweat, tears, love and occasional medical emergencies. You know, I just realized, I wouldn’t trade that in for anything!
. . .Except for maybe two years with George . . .