So apparently there has been a bit of a kerfuffle of late regarding the racial identity of Santa Claus. It was suggested that the old image of Santa ―you know, bushy bearded, brazenly, fashion-less red suit wearing, white dude― should be replaced by a penguin.

Personally, I think this is a great idea. I mean seriously, when it comes right down to it, Santa is a creeper! He hides his face behind an outrageous explosion of blindingly white hair and shockingly unkempt beard. His supposedly jolly belly is just evidence of his unhealthy lifestyle. He spends the six weeks leading up to Christmas bouncing screaming kids on his lap. Then he silently and insidiously breaks into every house on earth all in one night under the guise of giving presents to every single child on the planet. Of course, providing such children have been good ALL. YEAR. LONG.

First off, no one, least of all a five-year-old human urchin can be good for 365 days in a row. We’re talking no tantrums or meltdowns or drawing on the walls with permanent markers or kicking one’s annoying sibling under the table or even in plain sight. That’s a lot of pressure on a kid and no wonder they’re all wild and out of control. One slip up and you’re on the naughty list. After that, what’s the point in being good? You’re getting coal in your stocking no matter what so might as well live it up.

Secondly, most kids are petrified of Santa. My grown daughter still has nightmares of being forced to sit on this weird guy’s lap just so mom could snap a picture of her horrified face and display her agony for all the world to see. (She has a really twisted mother.) Besides, aren’t we always warning our kids not to talk to strangers? And here we are forcing them to whisper their innermost secrets to the strangest stranger of all.

Finally, this alleged do-gooder invades our homes by sliding down our chimneys, which is an irresponsible, reckless and stupid stunt if you ask me, and then leaves mysterious boxes under our trees filled with God knows what. I can’t believe the fire department has never been called to haul his fat ass back out of one of these chimneys and we’re always being warned not to touch packages that some suspicious person has slyly left in our possession. Besides, any present I ever got that was signed From: Santa bore a remarkable resemblance to my dad’s handwriting. Let’s face it, Santa is just a restraining order waiting to happen.

Now, penguins are totally innocuous creatures. Yeah, they live at the South Pole but if we can buy into the whole concept of someone flying around the world in one night on a sleigh pulled by jacked up reindeer in the first place, I think we can overlook this small detail. Penguins are smaller than most kids and are totally non-threatening. They wear cute tuxedos that are always in style and they don’t sport unruly and, frankly, totally unhygienic facial forests.

Sadly, this will never come to pass because in the Santa Clause there is some kind of exclusion for any creature, human or not, portraying this historic figure who could potentially peck out an eye. (I checked with a lawyer and it’s true.)

. . . Wait a sec, what? . . . What’s that you say? You’re kidding?! It can’t be! Say it ain’t so!


How dare you destroy my illusions you innocence killer! I hope you rot in H-E Double Toothpicks! You’re getting coal in your stocking for the rest of eternity! Next thing you know you’ll be saying Dwayne Johnson isn’t The Tooth Fairy . . .


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