H.E. DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS . . .

So generally speaking I don’t usually worry about where I’m going to end up in the afterlife. I never thought I did anything to warrant a one-way trip to the eternal fires but certain information came to my attention recently that, quite frankly, has me a bit concerned, troubled, worried, freaked out!

Have I killed anyone recently? No. Have I robbed, pillaged, or sang out loud in public the entire Frozen sound track? No. Am I a shark, a swindler, a charlatan or a sprayer of perfume on unsuspecting shoppers? No. Okay, I talk with my mouth full on occasion and I have been known to rant at drivers who clearly have no concept of road etiquette but other than that, I thought I was on the fast track to tea with St. Peter just inside those pearly gates.

What did I do to make me question the very foundation of my moral, spiritual, thought- I- had- it- all- figured- out journey to the Promised Land? I Googled – “little known sins in the Bible”.

Turns out there is a whole host of rules and regulations in the Bible that I’m pretty sure none of us were even remotely aware of. And to make matters even direr, I have committed a number of these transgressions without the benefit of knowing I wasn’t supposed to be committing them! I hoped in this case ignorance of the law was an excuse but I have been assured by the aforementioned tome that ignorance of these divine policies in and of itself is a guaranteed ticket to the bottomless pit!

That’s just totally not fair! How is one supposed to do what’s right if one doesn’t even know what right is? And trying to make sense of the conflicting and wildly differing interpretations, explanations, and consequences of believing the incorrect interpretations and explanations just makes the whole business a convoluted and confusing quagmire of uncertainty and doubt.

The most distressing site I found is called― and I kid you not― Sin List (if you don’t believe me go to http://www.wogim.org/sinlist.htm). There I found a convenient, mostly alphabetized list of 667 sins. Here is a sampling: astrology, vain babblings, eating blood (well, we already knew vampires were toast), boasting, busybodies, complaining, crafty or foolish conversation, being idle, being lazy (I’m done for!), bad manners, professing to be wise, wearing of clothing of opposite sex (damn-oops, swearing- I just got a new pair of jeans), killing a mother bird in the nest (I guess it’s okay if she’s out of the nest), and finally, not blessing them that curse you.

There is a dismaying plethora of internet sites devoted to outlining in excruciating detail every sin that is possible for us lowly beings to commit. I won’t lie, I was sweating. I mean, I cut my hair. I wear cotton/poly blends. Then I stumbled upon a lively discussion on a site decrying the evilness of . . . being left-handed. . . I thought it was joke. It wasn’t.

I sat in total silence reflecting on all I had learned. My head hurt after about five minutes but that was enough for me to come to the only conclusion possible. No one has a flippin’ clue what they’re talking about.

Us tiny specks in the universe known as humans make tons of mistakes but the biggest mistake we make is believing that a Being who could create a universe out of absolutely nothing would be so condemning, disapproving, and hateful to the very creatures He/She created.

In conclusion, I’ve decided to put all my eggs in one basket and hang onto the one thing the Bible says that seems like something an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, timeless, non-corporeal entity (i.e. God) would say and here it is: Nothing can separate you from Me.

. . . Unless, of course, you’re a lefty . . .

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