So I haven’t had a brownie in two weeks. That’s right, two weeks! I hear your collective gasps. And the wheels in your brains whirring. You are wondering, with great alarm, why in the world I would torture myself in this cruel, inhumane fashion. Sadly, I have no satisfactory answer to this disturbing question.
All I can say is that a few weeks back, I decided to conduct an experiment to see how long I could survive without that fudgy, chocolate-y, slice of heaven. I’ve been sitting here now for fifteen minutes trying to remember why I thought that was a good idea but ever since I quit, I can’t concentrate. My mind wanders. People talk to me and I stare at them blankly unable to understand even the simplest phrases. I’m lightheaded, dizzy, and in a perpetual state of unease. I don’t know what I was expecting. After all, I’ve eaten brownies almost every day of my life for decades. Decades! I can no more survive without those beautiful squares of brown deliciousness than I can air.
So why even bother trying to stop what is clearly a life-affirming activity? Maybe I wanted to break free of its all encompassing grip. Maybe I wanted to assure myself that I am in control of my destiny. Maybe I’m a closet masochist. Or sadist. Or both! Maybe the abrupt end to the daily infusion of cocoa has addled my brain. Maybe it’s all a conspiracy with Betty Crocker holding the strings of reality. I know she’s controlling us like marionettes. I know she’s insidiously pumping us full of a mysterious additive found only in that red box designed to fill us with sunshine and hope!
How dare she?! Manipulating us poor dolts with promises of peace and tranquility! We humans deserve to wallow in conflict and chaos. We have the right to swim in our fetid pools of despair and desolation. She has totally crossed the line by trying to force some small measure of joy and comfort unto us by stealth and deceit. That irresistible goodness in the guise of Dark Chocolate Fudge Brownie Mix is nothing more than a ruse designed to keep us compliant so those nefarious “Thems” can take over the world!
. . . Sorry for that unpleasant rant. I’m usually not an irrational, illogical, puddle of emotional excess. I can only beg your forgiveness and try to explain my inexplicable behavior by deflecting the blame to the true cause of my fall into the abyss . . . brownie withdrawal.
I have a feeling there are many more of us brownie-holics out there trying to take back our lives. I think I’ll start a support group. We can meet at my house.
I’ll make brownies . . .