AIN’T HAPPENING . . .

So lately I’ve been trying to be more healthy-ish. You know, eat more fruits and veggies, and less brownies (we all know how well that went). But there’s this whole carbs vs. protein vs. fat vs. sugar war that quite frankly, leaves my head all kerfuffled. On top of that, there’s vegetarianism (anything with an –ism makes my hackles, hackle) vs. vegan-ism (because, apparently, vegetarianism is for weenies).

It’s time for me to do some research and by research I mean, ask the information god, Wikipedia.

Okay, forget Wikipedia. I don’t have the time or the inclination to wade through all those, you know, words. On to Plan B, the good, old-fashioned dictionary, which I happen to conveniently have on my iPhone. I also have a real, live, dictionary that is an actual book. It was published in 1978 and doesn’t even contain the word vegan which just makes me more suspicious of those rabble-rousers. Here are the results of my very, scientific investigation:

Carbohydrate: Any of various substances found in certain foods that provide your body with heat and energy and are made of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen. (That was helpful . . .)

Protein: Any of various, naturally occurring extremely complex substances that consist of amino-acid residues joined by peptide bonds, contain the elements carbon, blah, blah, blah. (You lost me at extremely complex . . .)

Fat: Any of various compounds of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen that are glycerides of fatty acids, are the chief constituents of plant and animal fat, are a major class of energy-rich food, and are soluble in organic solvents but not in water. (I like the definition in my book better: The richest or finest part of anything. . .)

Sugar: Any of various water-soluble compounds that vary widely in sweetness, include the monosaccharides and oligosaccharides, and typically are optically active (WTF! . . .)

Mmm, I see a pattern emerging. I will have to do more research to discover exactly what sort of food Any of Various is. Hopefully it tastes good.

Now, which –an or –vore lifestyle shall I embrace. Here are the choices:

Vegetarian: One who believes in or practices vegetarianism― which means, the theory or practice of living on a vegetarian diet. (I guess you can believe in it or practice it . . .)

Vegan: A strict vegetarian (I guess loose vegetarians are posers.) who consumes no animal food or dairy products. Also, one who abstains from using animal products ―such as leather. (So only vinyl seats in your car . . .)

Carnivore: An animal that eats meat. (That’s pretty cut and dry. Wait, definition #2: a carnivorous plant. Yikes . . .)

Herbivore: Feeding on plants. (Short. To the point. I get it . . .)

It’s a quagmire out there. Eating greens and beans is supposedly “healthier” but I just can’t see giving up Smashburgers, like, ever. I think the only option left to me is a well-balanced compromise between all the available options that my wise, astute father so heartily embraces. So from now on, I pledge to be:

A vegetarian who only eats herbivores. . .

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2 thoughts on “AIN’T HAPPENING . . .

  1. Ha! I just got an Erma Bombeck book out of the library…I don’t know why, just came across it and remember how funny she was. Anyway, the world needs another Erma…? Just saying…:) Linda

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